MOVIE MASHUPS or I Obviously Have Too Much Time on My Hands

American Beauty and the Beast: A woman having a mid-life crisis ends up stranded at a castle owned by a sexual predator. But it all has a happy ending when the sexual predator turns into Christopher Plummer.


Toy Story Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri: When one of Mrs. Potatohead’s tater tots is mashed to death, she buys three billboards to ask why Sheriff Woody hasn’t found the culprit. With Buzz Lightyear as a racist cop who finds redemption.


Darkest After Hours: When Winston Churchhill’s subway car gets stuck in the underground because of the Blitz, he has only a few hours to make his way across London to Parliament so he can tell Hitler where to stick it.


The Post Always Rings Twice: The wife of a newspaper owner joins with the paper’s editor to kill the husband and collect double indemnity on his insurance. But a wily investigative reporter makes sure they’re the ones to end up in the headlines.


Colossus: The Forbin Florida Project: The computer at a second rate motel hooks up with other computers at other second rate motels in order to take over all the Disneylands there are and create a really, really small, small world.


Zorro, the Gay Blade Runner 2049: In the near future, when Zorro is injured, his previously unheard of brother who is pretty and witty and…takes over hunting down replicants while teaching people how to dress better.


Phantom Threads: After a nuclear holocaust, a fashion designer and his sister try to make haute courier out of the rags and rubbles, until a model upsets their lives.


Dunclerks: A convenient store clerk is stuck at a beach waiting to be rescued from the enemy. Frustrated, all he does is keep whining, I wasn’t even supposed to go to war today.


Lady Birdman (or The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance): A student struggles to produce, write, direct and star in the school play while struggling with where to go for college and her problematic relationship with her mother. She finally shoots herself, but not soon enough for the audience.


Cococktail: On the Day of the Dead, a young boy crosses over to find his father. He is shocked to discover he is now a bartender, a Scientologist and has never had sex with a woman.


When a Strangers Calls Me By Your Name: While babysitting, a 17 year old gay teen is stalked and repeatedly phoned by a 24 year old stranger who is the handsomest man in the world. When the teen realizes the calls are coming from inside the house, they have sex.


Logan Lucky’s Run: A group of twenty somethings have to rob a racetrack before they turn thirty or they’ll turn into Peter Ustinov.


Get Smart Out: KAOS hacks into CONTROL to use the Cone of Silence in order to put one of their agent’s souls into Maxwell Smart. Hilarity ensues.


The Shape of the Waterdance: When the Creature of the Black Lagoon suffers an accident that prevents his penis from detracting, he asks his mute lover not to say a word about it, then realizes how stupid that sounds.


For questions:
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I participated in a LAMBcast podcast last week predicting the Oscars. I got in late because I had technical issues, but check it out.
My Oscar Predictions
Best Picture                       –              Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri Continue reading